How do we talk, how do we listen, do we pay too much attention on the other person and forget ourselves, or we are so much into us, that we don’t see people across us?
Usually these are not question that we ask ourselves often, it is more question that is shows up after repeating the same scenario over and over again.
“Maja was intelligent girl who often ends up with doing things for other, even though she says no. She felt angry, frustrated and helpless. She wanted to know how her no can be a real no“
Have you heard for term assertive rights? It is highly important and effective when we speak about communication.
Everybody can use assertive right and main goal is taking responsibility.
If we look again to Maja, she doesn’t understand how it happens to here to feel forced, to do thing she doesn’t want. The first step is awareness, to understand how we bring ourselves into these situations, and then to know ourselves and our borders. The first right we are going to talk about is the right to borders.
Personal boundaries represent an imaginary space that separates us from the outside environment. Personal limits are guides, rules, or restrictions that a person creates to regulate other people’s behavior toward themselves and their responses to violations of these created rules. Personal boundaries are created on the basis of inferences, beliefs, attitudes, past experiences, and daily learning in interactions with other people. Each person has responsibility for their own boundaries.
Personal boundaries are inseparable from a sense of responsibility. We are the ones responsible for personal boundaries.
It happens that we feel exhausted after having a conversation with a friend. A friend has a problem she wants to share with us, but it is our responsibility how do we feel after the interview.
The second right is right to self responsibility. We are responsible for the choices we make. If we don’t have this, often we blame others for mistakes.
You have a right to change your mind. We change our opinions, priorities, because our needs are always changing. Sometimes we deprive ourselves of the right to premeditate because of fears that we will be seen as undesirable or as inconsistent.
Make mistake. Perfect person doesn’t exist. Making mistake makes us human, we make mistakes in our behaviors, not in the way we value our whole being.
When Maja gave herself permission to say no, to take responsibility for her acts, to change her mind and to make mistakes, she felt free but in the same time more connected with others. She was authentic and she found a way to show her authenticity without fear that she will be abandoned. Because, in the end, she accepted herself and she can always lean on her.
Let’s learn first how to communicate with ourselves. Communication with others will go smoothly afterwards.
By Andrea Nenadic, Psychotherapist and Social Worker